Guest election blog – Reform by Derek Gow

I am a wildlife ecologist who has worked on reintroduction projects for species such as the water vole, Eurasian beaver and the white stork. I have written three books, the last of which – The Hunt for The Shadow Wolf – was published by Chelsea Green in March 2024. 

My voting history: I can’t remember when or whom I first voted for and although retrospectively I hope fervently it wasn’t Margaret Thatcher I can at least rest easy in the knowledge that no evidence or living testimony can now contradict the assertion that I absolutely did not. In subsequent penance I have variously voted LibDem, Labour in the glitzy, early days of the Blair bandwagon or Green if the opportunity arose and a non-vegan candidate was available.    

Where I currently reside in West Devon the overlordship of the Tories abruptly replaced that of the Normans in the time span of long, long ago and normally therefore if their selected candidate was a pink pig with lipstick in a top hat and tutu it would overcome all other opposition with ease. But we live in uncertain times and as voters of a cobalt hue start to bolt ranks swiftly could it be that another outcome might prove possible ?

This is my review of, and my thoughts about, the environmental implications of the Reform manifesto:

• Rockall: I was intrigued to discover that Reform is the only party that has selected to renegotiate a treaty with Ireland to win back the sovereignty of Rockall in the North Atlantic. While it’s not clear in the text if this is to protect its visiting seabirds, more darkly it may be that it’s part of Nigel’s cunning plan to process asylum seekers in British Overseas Territories – one at a time on its peak.

Other things I also enjoyed were as follows.  

• Climate change: The ernest assumption is that global warming is good because one day you will be able to grow grapes in Yorkshire to produce more foul British wine and that rewilding, solar panels and environmental subsidies are all abominations.

• Farming: farmers should simply be given £3 billion – although the pledge at the bottom of the page said 2 – for, well, just being farmers, and their pubescent offspring should be sent to institutions to learn ‘farmcraft’ which although not directly connected to ‘warcraft’ or ‘witchcraft’ would no doubt prove just as ruinously destructive.

• Marine fisheries: The spectre of plundering foreign pirates who bottom trawl the sea bed in a fashion that is more destructive than noble British craft would apparently be solved by the navy while the party took time out to negotiate a new fishing deal with the EU. While this might prove palatable to Reform voters in deprived coastal towns it seems an odd priority for an industry which contributes 0.03% to our national GDP.  No mention was made of the fate that awaited the skilled overseas workers required to man our fleet as it mines its way to marine life extinction. Perhaps the navy will deal with them too.   

• Water quality or countryside sports?: There was as far as I could discern no mention of sewage but rather a pledge – unique again – to support country sports for their conservation and employment worth. Though no list identified priority species it’s very likely that pheasants and red legged partridges would be instantly protected while old rural pastimes such as fox tossing would be revived to give Nigel something to do with his hands.

• Natural England: Apparently, Natural England must immediately stop doing anything that annoys farmers. So, no restrictions of any sort. SSSIs which are buggered might as well be ploughed under and injected with diseased slurry, plucking presentations will be purveyed for hen harriers and as for badgers and beavers? Don’t even bother applying for a licence, just scalp them in the streets when the children are passing. Wearily I read on…

• Fracking: will be fine when its safety is proven, as by that time we will be living in an Orwellian state where ex-military officers make the rules. I would not hold out much hope that the promised compensation will be delivered to your doorstep. Instead, when the methane emissions peak out and your kids can’t breathe, the discharge from the drilling will surely combine with the other filth in our rivers to replace, with a fluid of a nauseous sort, the lands where water used to flow.

Overall assessment: So, vote Reform and you know what you will get. Rampant farmers ripping up hedgerows, foxhunters bounding through your backyards with their hounds shitting everywhere, and gamekeepers firing fusillades at the foxes which take shelter under the cradles of your offspring. If you can summon the stomach to read further the ‘contract’ offered by Reform questions the need for civil and human rights lawyers, promises a police force without a brain that’s selected for a high standard of health and fitness and rails against Christians not being able to express their beliefs in public. 

Would I vote for these environmental policies? Even the multi-cellular molluscs acquired from the dead-cert of a Rockall deal would decline I believe to affix their signature of assent and in conclusion I would suggest  that those of you of higher wit might follow their example.

This is one of a series of opinion pieces on the political parties’ 2024 general election manifestos. They were commissioned by Wild Justice several months ago by approaching a wide variety of conservationists and environmentalists long before the date of the general election was known. Some people who originally agreed to write pieces found the date and short timescale impossible and had to back out. We did not know what they would write and their only brief was to pick one or two political parties’ election manifestos and tell us what they liked and didn’t like about their environmental policies. We didn’t tell people what to write and we haven’t edited what they wrote (except to squeeze things into a common format, to correct minor grammatical and spelling errors and typos). The views expressed here are not necessarily those of Wild Justice.

If you think you could produce a review of one of the 2024 general election manifestos then we would need to receive it as soon as possible, but in any case before 26 June, in a similar format to that above, as a word file and with a .jpg or .png image of yourself, the author. Send any potential texts to admin@wildjustice.org.uk and we will look at them. We’ll let you know if we want to publish your piece and we may be able to pay you a small amount for it.